What if Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter were in the White House?

From "The Half Hour News Hour":

Stephen Colbert updates the nation via MySpace

Dear Nation,

I know I haven't done one of these Blog thingy's for a while, but since there is a writers strike and there won't be new episodes of The Colbert Report until it's over, I figured what the heck? I understand that you people need updates on the most important thing in your life, me!

Let's see, since my last entry I have almost won an Emmy, (First Manilow, now Tony Bennett! Who's next to steal my Emmy, Wayne Newton?) then bravely triumphed over a life threatening wrist injury, released the best selling book "I Am America (And So Can You)," was again denied a Noble Prize and became best MySpace friends with Jessica Alba's Official Page that was probably set-up by the movie studio of Good Luck Chuck. Apparently she insisted that I was added to her friends list because she thinks I am "One smoking hot slab of man beef that she can't wait to get a taste of." Sorry Jessica, but I am technically married. Now if there is any validity to the quote I just made up for you, please contact me and I'm sure we can work something out. My wife is a very understanding woman.

Hmm… what else have I done recently? Oh that's right, I ran for President of South Carolina. Initially, I figured I would kill my free time during the writers strike by campaigning. I was planning on spreading the blast of Zesty Nacho Cheese Doritos across the state. As I'm sure you already know, my campaign came to an abrupt end when the executive committee of the South Carolina Democratic Party voted 13-3 to not allow me the opportunity to run. Apparently some committee members felt like my candidacy was a joke. Why would I make a joke about something that is already a joke? I mean it is the Democratic Party.

Colbert may not be the best candidate for president, but he is definitely the funniest candidate for president, hands down.

Stephen Colbert, Doritos, and the Humor Challenged

CNN reports today that comedian Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report", who has announced his mock presidential candidacy, was today declared "favorite son" by the mayor of Columbia, South Carolina, and given the key to the city during what was called "Stephen Colbert Day". Colbert hails from Charleston, South Carolina. The appearance on the university campus drew a crowd of several hundred, where Colbert announced "I love South Carolina almost as much as South Carolina loves me."

Colbert is seeking both the Republican and Democratic nomination, and seeks to get his name included on South Carolina's January primaries. Colbert, a former mock "reporter" on "The Daily Show", best known for confronting serious people with facially ridiculous questions, told the crowd, ""I am here not only to accept the honor you have given me but to prove to everyone that this campaign is real, to put an end to the vicious rumors that this is not a serious candidacy." Colbert himself is the source of those "vicious rumors".

Colbert continued his comedy musings by saying, "In the 19th century, South Carolina was the first to secede. In the 21st we will the first to succeed. First to secede. First to succeed. I own the copyright on that phrase, if you use it you must pay me a royalty."

The mayor, although he paid homage to Colbert, supports Democratic candidate John Edwards. When asked about this seeming conflict, Edwards spokesperson Teresa Wells teased Colbert about his ties to the snack food industry, since Colbert has said his campaign will be sponsored by Doritos.

"What is more troubling than his quest for a status his own mother won't grant him (favorite son) are his ties to the salty food industry," Wells said. "As the candidate of Doritos, his hands are stained by corporate corruption and nacho cheese. John Edwards has never taken a dime from taco chip lobbyists and America deserves a President who isn't in the pocket of the snack food special interests."

While all of this is very amusing to some, others fail to see the humor. CNN's comments section is filled with comments from those who claim this is not the right time to launch a mock presidential campaign. Others deride the Doritos sponsorship, although the campaign isn't real and neither is the endorsement.

In other Colbert news, some believe he may run afoul of the Federal Election Commission, since his network show is sponsored by advertisers and it serves as a sounding board for his campaign. According to Lawrence Noble, a former general counsel for the FEC, "The real problem comes in the fact that he actually has his own show, talking about his campaign, paid for by a network. These are the kind of things on slow days you'd debate until the late afternoon at the FEC, but there are serious questions that come up. In theory, he could end up having some campaign finance problems." Comedy Central, however, feels sure this is not an issue, and will continue to run his show as a regular program.

Generally speaking, a candidate for the presidency is required to file with the FEC once they spend or collect $5000 for their campaign. What is unclear is whether a campaign parody candidate should be held to the same standards, if they are seeking ballot access.

Unusual plan by Marijuana Party candidate Criss Ericson (from comments)

CRIS ERICSON'S AMAZING NEW PLAN TO STOP WAR-TALK AGAINST IRAN ! ! !

2008 Candidate, Cris Ericson, has an AMAZING !!!!NEW!!!PLAN!!! to stop the war-talk against Iran, regardless of whether the war talk is subtle, like Hillary Clinton suggesting she'll do anything necessary, or any other war-talk prompted by U.S. Congressional members who receive donations from political action committees of companies and mega-corporations who build and create war machinery and jet fighter bombers and missles.

Cris Ericson wants the President of Iran and Democratic Primary candidate Hillary Clinton and U.S. Senator Ted Kennedy and U.S. Senator Patrick Leahy to take Ancestral DNA tests to determine if they are all members of the DNA Haplogroup J and DNA Subclade (subgroup) J1.

The reason for this idea is because in ancient Jewish history the Jews were persecuted and spread out to areas like Mesopotamia and Persia and beyond.
They were shepards herding their sheep for the most part and fishermen.

The National Geographic Genographic Project and other ancestral DNA projects have discovered members of the J Haplogroup with the J1 Subclade (subgroup of J) now live in countries like Iran, which used to be Persia, and of course in Iraq, which used to be Mesopotamia, and also in Sweden where people love to fish and herd sheep, and in Northern Ireland where people love to fish and herd sheep.

The "Lost Tribes of Israel" are being found, and many of their ancestors travelled to the United States from the early 1600's up to current times.

It is highly possible that U.S. Senator Patrick Leahy and U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy are actually members of the "Lost Tribes of Israel" if they would be willing to get tested to determine if their Y chromosome DNA is of the J haplogroup and J1 subclade.

Ancestral Y chromosome DNA tests only determine father to son, father to son, father to son, etc., down through history, because the son always inherits his Y chromosome DNA from his father.

Women cannot receive the Y chromosome, and so they are tested for their Mitochondrial DNA, which is passed from mother to daughter, mother to daughter, all the way back into history.

Can you sit down and write the names of your father's father's father, etc?

Harder yet, and hardest for most people, can you sit down, if you are a woman, and write the names of your mother's mother's mother's mother?

Since so many people are finding out that there are a significant number of J haplogroup with J1 subclade in the United States, and that their families came from Northern Ireland and Sweden and Iran (which used to be Persia) and Iraq (which used to be Mesopotamia) as well as the "Jewish" State of Israel,
then you would be interested to know that many researchers consider the J Haplogroup with the J1 Subclade to be "Jewish".

In fact, many researchers consider the J1 people to be the "preists" of the Jewish religion, the true Lost Tribes of Israel.

Now, if the President of Iran and several of our U.S. Senators all prove to be J1,
then how can we make war against our own blood relatives in Iran?

If the President of Iran proves to have J1 DNA, then couldn't we convince him to make peace with his blood relatives in Israel?

If the President of Iran and Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy and Patrick Leahy all turn out to have J1 DNA, then couldn't we convince them to stop any war-talk against Iran; and also stop spending federal tax dollars to give Israel weapons because many people in Lebanon also have J1 DNA and you shouldn't kill their own blood relatives, the J1 "preistly" "Jews" regardless of which country they live in?

Stop War-Talk with DNA Tests

ET Phone Giuliani

Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani says that he's ready to protect America from extraterrestrials.

During a question-and-answer session yesterday in Exeter, NH, a boy asked Giuliani "If (there's) something living on another planet and it's bad and it comes over here, what would you do?" Giuliani responded, "Of all the things that can happen in this world, we'll be prepared for that. Yes we will. We'll be prepared for anything that happens."

Except answering the question he was actually asked, of course.

Libertarian Candidate Steve Kubby utilizes cartoon video and humor in unique campaign

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
10/09/07

CONTACT:
Thomas L. Knapp
kubby.communications@gmail.com
314-705-3042

TRAGEDY ON KUBBY VIDEO SET: CAMPAIGN RELEASES “DEATH OF DENNY” FOOTAGE

FORT BRAGG, CA — In a stunning turn of events, Libertarian presidential candidate Steve Kubby’s campaign organization has announced that it will release previously unseen shocking footage of an on-set death — the murder of the South Park, Colorado medical marijuana patient known to friends and loved ones as “Denny” by none other than Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani.

The footage is included in a “Director’s Cut” of The Kubby Chronicles, Episode One, which was released today on YouTube.com. The circumstances of Denny’s death are still under investigation by California authorities, but the footage clearly implicates Giuliani. The former mayor of New York — known for his rabid opposition to medical marijuana and for his city’s record-setting marijuana arrest rates, while he was mayor — apparently made an unauthorized entry, accompanied by fellow drug warrior and presidential candidate John McCain, to the cannabis dispensary where the video was being shot. There, he assaulted Denny during a break in filming, while the young patient was receiving his medical marijuana via IV. Denny was pronounced dead at the scene.

“Capitalizing on this senseless tragedy wasn’t in the playbook” says director Doug Scribner. “We just wanted the actors from our 1998 South Park commercial back together again for a screen reunion. But Denny’s grieving parents convinced us that publicizing it may help America stop Giuliani from killing again.” Friends say the young actor, who had been battling cancer for the past two years, had just gone into remission.

Kubby was unavailable for comment and rumored to be accompanying Denny’s body back to Colorado for burial but, says Scribner, “he approved the message before he left.”

Giuliani’s whereabouts are unknown. Local authorities have warned citizens not to approach Giuliani, as he is considered prone to bizarre, and it now seems violent, behavior.

-30-
about 290 words

The Kubby Chronicles, Episode One — The Director’s Cut:
http://www.kubby2008.com/cartoon

"Denny", for readers unfamiliar with the adult cartoon series "South Park" (set in a Colorado mountain town), is an obvious take on the character "Kenny", who is killed in each episode followed by the lines "They killed Kenny!" "You bastards!"

Presidential Politics '08 receives comment from candidate Cris Ericsson

In 2002 I was on the official election ballot for Governor of VT, in 2004 I was on the official election ballot for Governor and for U.S. Senator for VT, in 2006 I was on the official election ballot in Vermont for Governor and for U.S. Senate.

In 2002 I came in 4th out of 10 candidates for Governor.

In 2004 and 2006 I came in 3rd out of 6 candidates for Governor and for U.S. Senate.

In 2008 I will probably go on the official election ballot for Governor and for U.S. Congress (U.S. House of Representatives).

Please note, that in Vermont, a candidate who gets enough ballot access petition signatures to get on the ballot as "Independent" may chose in September when filing papers with the Secretary of State to have up to 3 descriptive words placed on the ballot rather than "Independent".

In 2002 I chose "Make Marijuana Legal" and in 2004 I chose "Marijuana". In 2006 I went on the ballot as "Independent" but even thought I came in 3rd for Governor and 3rd for U.S. Senate, beating out all "Minor" parties, I did receive a lower percentage of votes as "Independent" rather than chosing a "descriptive word or phrase". Therefore, for 2006 I will do the usual and collect ballot access petition signatures as an "Independent" but then when I go to file my papers in September 2006 I will request to use a "descriptive word" and go on the ballot as "Marijuana".

There is no officially formed Marijuana Party in Vermont. I tried to do that this year, to officially form a party, but people were too afraid to do it. To form a certified political party people have to be willing to give their names and addresses to the Secretary of State as party chairpersons and party committee members, and you have to have the required minimum number of members willing to file. I could not find enough people in Vermont willing to give their names and addresses to the Secretary of State as "Marijuana Party" members.

http://crisericson.com
Cris Ericson

[Candidate Ericsson then went on to make the following correction; I would have corrected it for her, but I'm not exactly sure where she wanted the correction inserted -Ed]

ooops, I mean 2008 I will go on the ballot as the MARIJUANA candidate.

Cris Ericson 2008winner.com
Cris Ericson

http://2008winner.com
http://makemarijuanalegal.com
http://crisericson.com
http://chrisericson.com
http://ericsonmedia.com
http://champthelakechamplainmonster.com
http://crisdragon.com